HIGHLAND PARK --- Landscaper Paul Chwastyk has been removed from his nephew’s football fantasy league because he refused to engage in robust trash-talking, league commissioner Brian Adler said today.“Uncle Paul analyzed the offensive and defensive lines, evaluated performances, and did all those other things that really don’t matter,” Adler said. “The games are sort of superfluous to us --- we just use the league to hurl insults at each other.”
Mr. Chwastyk said it hurts that his own nephew has thrown him out. “I helped raised that kid. We played catch in the back yard when he was little. I taught him the finer points of sports betting. I spotted him the money to enter football pools, and I even introduced him to my bookie. Now he goes and does this, the little bastard.”
A self-described “older guy,” Chwastyk thinks the younger fantasy players are a bunch of wimps. “They’re sitting around in their fancy suits and ties all day while I’m outside knocking down trees and installing drainage pipes. Sitting around your office typing all day isn’t work. I don’t think they even did much work in high school. Back in my day, we took classes like wood shop, not ‘keyboarding,’ like they did. I almost cut off my damn thumb once, and these wimps probably say things like, ‘Ooh, ooh, I better get a pillow for my wrists so I don’t get carpal tunnel.’”
Commissioner Adler said: “Now that’s what I’m talking about. If Uncle Paul could bring that kind of talk to the football league, he’s welcome to come back.”
But Chwastyk is done. “I’m starting my own league, and no one under forty is allowed in,” he said. “Plus Brian will get his --- I’m telling the bookie where he lives.”
