MORTGAGE DEADBEAT APOLOGIZES TO AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR SUBPRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS

PITTSBURGH - Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne hasn't slept well in three weeks. She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders due to the crisis on Wall Street stemming from the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry.

"I was one of these people who shouldn't have been given a mortgage because of my poor credit history," said Lugosi-Swayne. "But they gave me one anyway, and I've been missing payments for months." Lugosi-Swayne wipes here eyes with a Kleenex. "But I'm not worried about me. Let them take my house, I don't care. What I'm worried about is the roller coaster disruption I've caused to the world-wide economy."

Swayne's admissions come as foreclosure filings have reached epidemic proportions. Analysts say that the fallout from mortgages gone bad is spreading well beyond borrowers in default and is effecting numerous other aspects of the economy.

"I can't tell you how bad I feel about it," said Lugosi-Swayne choking back tears. "I can only hope the American people find it in their hearts to forgive me."