PITTSBURGH - Melissa Paige, 22, got the shock of her life at the Carnegie Science Center's "Bodies" exhibit last night when she noticed that one of the bodies on display is a former high school classmate named Jason Baehr. Baehr was reported missing two years ago, just weeks after arriving in China to study.
Paige, visiting the exhibit with her mother and a church group, explained that she dated Baehr during their senior year at St. Elizabeth's High School in Pleasant Hills.
Paige's mother, Esther, 58, called to a friend. "Look, Ida, it's the Baehr boy! He's one of the bodies." She yelled louder. "The Baehr boy is one of the bodies."
Ida Swayne, 66, strolled over, put on her reading glasses, and examined Baehr top to bottom.
"Do his [testicles] look too big to you?" she asked. "I think his [testicles] look too big. Don't they look too big?"
"No, that's all him," Melissa assured her. Melissa's mother shot her a disgusted glance.
Soon, the entire parish gathered around Baehr. "We've got enough people here to hold the 7:30 Mass," said Ida Swayne. Fixing her eyes on Baehr's skinned torso, she said to no one in particular, "Do you think they killed him? The Chinese -- do you think they killed him?" Her head drew close to his buttocks. "Such a shame, a specimen like that."
Esther Paige urged Melissa to pose with the body. "Stand on the other side, we'll recreate your prom picture. It's a shame you're not wearing your prom dress."
Melissa muttered, "At least he's wearing his after-prom outfit." Her mother glared at her.
As Melissa put her arm around Baehr, Ida Swayne shrieked. "I think he still has a thing for you, Melissa! I saw movement!"