PITTSBURGH - Hunched over a pool of sweat, his pants caked with feces, a terrified Mayor Luke Ravenstahl burst into tears at last night's mayoral debate when Republican challenger Mark DeSantis passionately declared that the occupant of the mayor's office must exercise maturity and sound judgment and avoid bad behavior at all times. Sobbing over a thunderous ovation, the 27-year-old Ravenstahl cried out, "I know, I know! I'm an irresponsible little shit! I am so sorry! I am so, so sorry."
The 90 minute debate at the Senator John Heinz History Center was conducted by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's editorial board. DeSantis started off by noting that his old boss, Senator Heinz, would have been uncomfortable knowing that the building they were in was named after him. Ravenstahl snidely muttered, "I notice Senator Heinz didn't mind stealing the name of the famous ketchup." When it was his turn to speak, Ravenstahl graciously thanked his opponents, including Socialist candidate Ryan Scott, 24, and Liberterian candidate Tony Oliva, 28. Throughout the debate, Ravenstahl repeatedly referred to Oliva as "grandpa."
DeSantis scored points in every round of the debate, prompting moderator Tom Waseleski to whisper to his Post-Gazette colleagues, "It's a shame we're precluded by law from endorsing him." The panel members turned off their microphones and briefly debated the legality of endorsing a Republican. The question was tabled pending legal review.
Panelist Reg Henry, speaking in a peculiar fake Australian accent, lobbed the most challenging question of the evening: "If a woman in Carrick traveling at 20 miles an hour, and a man in Brookline traveling at 15 miles an hour, both left their homes at the same time, which one gets to the U.S. Steel Tower first?" Mayor Ravenstahl responded that the important thing is they are both moving forward under his administration.
Following the debate, Ravenstahl, Scott and Oliva were overheard discussing issues of paramount importance to men of their age group, including Halo 3 and Playboy's Playmate for October, Spencer Scott.
