DES MOINES - A town meeting in a local barn last night in Durham, thirty miles south of Des Moines, attracted more than 700 people, all of them men. The subject: reports by local farmers that Sen. Hillary Clinton is canvassing the area buying up castration devices cheaply. Men came from five counties to discuss the news, which many of them viewed as alarming.
Farmer Noah Swayne related a first-person account: "Yesterday morning, two limousines came roaring up the house. Senator Hillary Clinton and her entourage, a bunch of young guys in suits with creamy skin and high pitched, girlish giggles, got out. I answered the door. One of the -- for want of a better word, eunuchs -- said to me with kind of a nasty tone, 'Senator Clinton would like to speak with the lady of the house,'" Swayne wiped the sweat from his brow.
"I said, 'Perhaps I can help the Senator?' And this kid says, 'The Senator will not speak with you.' Just like that -- 'the Senator will not speak with you.' OK, I thought, so this is weird. Anyway, I got Ellie, and the Senator smiled at her and shook her hand and they began chatting away. Now mind you, the Senator never looked at me once the whole time she was there." Swayne had to pause for a drink of water.
"Now here's where it gets completely bizarre. The Senator asked my wife if she had a spare castration device she could sell her."
The men in the audience put their legs together.
Swayne continued: "Well, sir, my wife's eyes opened real wide like she didn't quite make out the words. The Senator repeated herself: 'You wouldn't happen to have a spare castration device you could sell me, would you?' Now my wife was dumbfounded, because that's the last thing she expected to hear from a United States senator. So Ellie said, 'You mean for bulls?' And without missing a beat the Senator said, 'No, for somewhat smaller mammals.' That's just how she worded it, 'somewhat smaller mammals.'"
Sweat poured from Swayne's forehead and the room grew completely silent.
"It gets worse. The Senator knew exactly what she wanted," Swayne said. "It either had to be a Burdizzo nine inch or an Emasculator. She said, 'I find those two work the best.' Well, my wife told her we happened to have a spare Burdizzo we could sell her. So the Senator says, and I quote, 'Would you tell your male to run and fetch it for me?' The whole while she's looking right at my wife, like I wasn't even there. My wife looked at me, like, 'I guess it's alright.' So I went and got it, and my wife charged her ten dollars or something. The Senator shook her hand."
Swayne took a drink of water. "But here's the part that kept me awake last night: the Senator smiled at her and said, 'I'm buying up as many of these as I can get my hands on so I'll be readly after I win the election.' And that's an exact quote because I wrote it down right after she left."
An audible gasp came from the back of the barn. Swayne sat down wiping his brow. Finally, after a silence that seemed to stretch for a half hour, farmer Ned Newsome rose to his feet and shouted, "I warned you all about that little ballbuster. Now see what we've got here? And with the caucuses right around the corner!"
A clamor arose until Mayor Newt Kiley stood up and raised his hands. "Silence! Now I know how this looks, men, but let's examine the evidence. We have no idea what, or who, Mrs. Clinton intends to use these nasty little devices on, so my advice is that we continue to monitor the situation closely. I suggest we meet here every Tuesday night at 8 o'clock so we are kept abreast of the latest events. And no women, please -- we don't know how deep this thing goes." Kiley started to leave but then turned back to the crowd. "And men, you all better get those Obama signs up on your front lawns, like I told you to do months ago."