PITTSBURGH - Edward Johnson, 19, the last male undergraduate student enrolled at the University of Pittsburgh, dropped out of college this morning to work full-time at his brother-in-law's pizza shop.
Johnson's departure is consistent with a national trend some are calling an epidemic that sees women far outnumbering men on college campuses. At the University of Pittsburgh, there are now 17,246 female undergrads and zero males.
"I didn't catch on until long after my buds that studying's just not cool, dude," Johnson told a reporter. "I can make too much money delivering [pizza] to bother with school. Plus, since I'm paid in cash, I won't have to pay tax on it." Johnson smiled sheepishly. "Dropping out [of college] leaves me more time to do what my boys are doing," he explained, "-- play video games and [masturbate] to Internet porn." (Johnson later contacted this reporter to request omission of his statement about not paying taxes.)
Several student residents at Litchfield Towers, Johnson's former dormitory, said his departure is not welcome news. "The women are definitely going to miss having Johnson," said sophomore Carla Vango. Vanessa McBride, 19, lamented: "This used to be a co-ed dorm. Without Ed, it's just a 'co' dorm." Dorothy Buumulak, President of Pitt's Students Against Men and Rape, is also unhappy: "It's a major loss because as long as he was here, in the back of my mind, I knew our women had someone to accuse of sexual assault," she said. "Fortunately, we can still rely on the theory of 'recovered memories' to blame Pitt's former male students for past assaults. But Pitt's administration needs to make a concerted effort to recruit a new crop of males."
In the lobby of the dorm, a harried Dean of Students Kathy Humphrey curtly stated that the administration is "making every effort" to attract more male students. "Oh, yes, we definitely want that gender balance thing," Humphrey said, rolling her eyes. Humphrey interrupted the interview to address a mover passing through the lobby pushing a cart filled with urinals. "Make sure you take every last one of those f***ing things. If I see one of them anywhere in the building, I'll have your [cajones] for breakfast."
Humphrey was asked what Pitt would do to make males feel more welcome. "For one thing, we'll make their course-load much more male friendly," she said. "In our required course, 'Historical Atrocities of the Patriarchy Against Women,' we're going to serve free beer."