Ravenstahl Announces Creation Of New Authority

"Government Emporium Authority" (GEA) To Serve Hill District

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl acted with lightening speed in response to Hill District resident Cliff Christian's request for the government to provide a grocery store for his crime-ridden, crack-choked, nobody-in-their-right-mind-would-invest-a dime-there neighborhood.

"Myself, I thought if we have the SEA (Sports & Exhibition Authority), why not the GEA? I mean we take people's tax dollars against their wishes and funnel them into the pockets of our wealthy sports team owners. So why not force taxpayers to underwrite another losing proposition, but this time for people who really need it?"

In a somewhat related matter, Ravenstahl criticized recent attempts by the New York based Guardian Angels to set up shop in the Hill District.

"Myself, I think it's real rude of these outsiders to just barge in, uninvited, and make our streets safer," the mayor bristled. "That would prompt private-sector business growth in The Hill which would put the GEA at a disadvantage. And as I've made it perfectly clear from the very first days of my 'fresh leadership' administration, I steadfastly appose any private-sector participation in anything that could be run by the government instead."