NOVEMBER 26, 1963: The following is the final film review by late Carbolic Smoke Ball film critic Lee Harvey Oswald. Last Friday, Mr. Oswald was arrested by Dallas police at the Texas Theater while he was screening "War is Hell" for this news outlet, less than two hours after President Kennedy was assassinated downtown. He was charged with murdering the President and a police officer. As shown below, Oswald's review of the film was not completed at the time of his arrest. Carbolic Smoke Ball regrets that Mr. Oswald was murdered yesterday, before he was afforded the opportunity to vindicate himself of the baseless charges against him or write any more film reviews. His contributions to this news outlet will be greatly missed.
ONE MAN'S HEAVEN IS ANOTHER MAN'S WAR IS HELL
FILM REVIEW BY LEE HARVEY OSWALD - Hollywood so feared the theme of War is Hell that it kept it on the shelf for three years. This minor gem, finally opening today, chronicles a blood thirsty U.S. Army Sergeant's quest for medals during the Korean War as he leads his platoon into battle but fails to tell his men a cease fire is in effect. The men gradually realize something is amiss, and there's a whiff of Potemkin in their talk of mutiny.
Was Hollywood's reluctance to release this film prompted by the uncanny similarity of the egomaniacal Sergeant to the late President John F. Kennedy, whose imperialist designs pushed the world to the brink of nuclear destruction over missiles in Cuba despite the Soviet Union's peaceful intentions? The question scarcely survives its statement. Death to Kennedy! Death to Kennedy! But I digress.
Some Hollywood bigwig hit upon a way to make the film palatable to squeamish Americans who prefer their warriors mentally stable by trotting out the most decorated hero of the last great world war, Audie Murphy, to narrate a prologue that assures filmgoers it's safe to watch. I, for one, could never understand how the name "Audie" suited a male, but no one else I've talked to seems to have a problem with it.
Veteran TV actor Baynes Barron gives a spot-on performance as the ruthless JFK-like Sergeant. The actors who play the platoon members all seem to be about the right age, which is a first for Hollywood -- in contrast to, say, the Borscht Belt comics who play the sailors in the popular TV sitcom McHale's Navy. Their average age is 58.
Oh, no, they're coming for me! The jig is up . . . .
Editor's note: The review abruptly ends here.