POLISH HILL --- Cable sports network ESPN announced today that they will broadcast a Pittsburgh-area family’s annual Thanksgiving day football game. “We know a lot of families hold Turkey Bowls on Thanksgiving, but the Chwastyks are unique,” ESPN analyst Kenny Mayne said. “We scouted a lot of families, and they have just the right combination of tradition, action, and an undercurrent of family gripes. Football fans are in for a real treat.”Landscaper Paul Chwastyk, one of the game’s player-coaches, is thrilled. “We’ve been playing this game since 1968, so it’s nice to finally be recognized. It’ll be a lot of extra work to sit down with the production crew and tape interviews, and we’ll have to put out some extra chairs on the street the night before so there’s enough parking space for the transmission truck. We hope the neighbors will understand.”
Kickoff is at the traditional time of 11:00 am, but ESPN will have a pregame show highlighting some of the players starting at 9:00 am. “We’re going to review some of the past games on tape, have a roundtable discussion, and feature some of the up-and-coming players in the next generation. One kid we really like is Jason Chwastyk, a 6’-3” sophomore at Penn State. How Joe Paterno let this guy get away is a mystery. He’s a threat on both offense and defense. The older plays can’t catch him any more.”
Paul Chwastyk hopes ESPN will take note of his daughter, Katie, too. “She was a cheerleader when she was younger, but now she is the starting defensive end,” her father said. “One of my proudest moments as a dad was the first time I saw her take out an offensive tackle. I actually had tears in my eyes, and not just because of the dirty shot I had just taken from my brother.”
The game is not without controversy. Retired players Fred and Dolores Krupa complain that the current players don’t appreciate them enough. “We built this game to what it is today. We have long-term injuries, and the current players aren’t doing enough for us,” they said. Later, Paul Chwastyk said an agreement to bring beer and kielbasa to the retirees during the game was worked out.
Cheating has been a problem, too. Former New England Patriots assistant coach Joe Chwastyk was spotted moving the ball repeatedly last year. “I don’t know if Bill Belichick taught him to cheat or if he taught Belichick, but either way, we have to keep an eye on him,” Paul Chwastyk said.
“We expect several family grudges to come into play,” analyst Mayne says. “Paul has already told us he’s looking to take a shot at his brother, Mike. Apparently Mike borrowed thirty bucks from him and then went golfing instead of paying him back. It ticked him off. These two have a history – Mike’s collarbone was broken in three pieces in last year’s game. Hopefully we’ll get the shot on camera so we can show it repeatedly during the game and on SportsCenter.”
Although most of the Chwastyks are looking forward to the game and ESPN coverage, a few of the wives are not. “I’m sure America will find them entertaining,” Paul’s wife, Dale, said today. “Us, not so much anymore.”
