PITTSBURGH - Local outdoorsman and adventurer Noah Swayne, 26, is "pretty damn pissed" that wild turkeys refuse to puff out their feathers "like they used to, as pictured in our grade school textbooks and so forth."
Swayne is especially incensed this week, leading up to Thanksgiving, "because, let's face it, the damn turkeys don't look like damn turkeys anymore."
Swayne explained that it's the male turkeys who puff out their feathers in a mating ritual, "kind of the same way we human males use hair gel and shave our genitalia to impress our women," he said. The fact that the male turkeys aren't doing it anymore is cause for great concern to Swayne.
"I blame the feminists," Swayne said. "They are emasculating everything in sight. We are raising a generation of faggot turkeys, real wusses, you know, mama's boys."
"So long as the feminists are around, even the turkeys can't be real men anymore," he said.
