PITTSBURGH - All his life, Noah Swayne, 22, could never tell how he was supposed to feel about or react to any given situation, and now he knows why. "It was, like, obvious, dude, but for 22 years I didn't realize it," said Swayne. "There's no soundtrack in the background. No matter what happens to me, I can never be totally sure if it's exciting or sad or scary or what."
Swayne realized what was missing last weekend when he took his girlfriend to see Beowulf. "I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel, because the music told me," he explained. "Hell, if it weren't for the music swelling in the background, who would have realized Indiana Jones' life was so exciting or that Elliott was sad when ET left him?"
Swayne is finally doing something about it. He wrote to iconic movie composer John Williams and asked him to write a Noah Swayne theme song. "I gave Mr. Williams some details about my life he can use to create an appropriate theme, you know, like when they took the paper route away from me because Mrs. Manion claimed I exposed myself to her daughter; and when me and Jimmy Modesta invented the time machine -- and it actually worked, briefly; and how my sister accused me of, like, doing something to her but it was totally consensual." To date, Williams has not responded, but Swayne points out "he's a very, very busy man. It, like, takes a lot of time to write all those notes on the music paper and everything."
