COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM -- The crack female feature writers at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, never ones to pass up even a scintilla of a social trend, recently published an article on the supposed uptick in women bloggers. Now this "uptick," of course, is a lie because there is no demonstrable evidence whatsoever for asserting that women haven't always been the predominant bloggers. But since the feature writers aren't paid to report "news," a certain amount of prevarication is to be expected and is, in fact, commendable. There's altogether too much truth in that paper as it is.

You see, these feature writers are paid to invent "gender" stories, which is a code-word for "stories that interest women." Since men do not interest women, the stories invariably are about women. In point of fact, such stories counterbalance the remainder of the newspaper, which is entirely geared for men. (In case you haven't noticed, women are loathe to read about what's going on in the world, and they despise sports, despite the Post-Gazette's recent poll showing almost as many women as men claim to be Steelers fans -- such a lie!)

But all that is beside the point. In the course of writing this fabrication, unfortunately, the Post-Gazette ignored the little ladies here at Carbolic Smoke Ball. Allow me to sing their praises.

My gals take time out of their busy cleaning, cooking and child nurturing schedules to report local and national news. A few even try their little hands at writing sports, even though don’t really know all the nuances men do, and I end up correcting their innumerable mistakes. Yes, they burst into tears when that happens, but otherwise they remain cheerful and polite even in the face of adversity. Plus, they make a mean cup of coffee for me every morning!

Sure, they make less money than the male writers, but that’s just the way of the world and I can’t do anything about it. (I have bigger fish to fry, what with the Pirates looking for a new manager and all.) But I reward my gals each day with a big hug and a kiss.

I only hope that, someday, the Post-Gazette will learn to appreciate women as much as I do.