BY VELVEETA ANDRY, CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL'S MAN HATING FILM CRITIC - Even though Mitchell Lichtenstein's cult classic Teeth hasn't been given a widescreen release yet, word of mouth about this modern-day retelling of the vagina dentata fable has been so enthusiastic -- among women at least -- that the producers are planning a sequel. For our testosterone-poisoned readers blissfully unfamiliar with this fable that is retold in countless cultures, it's the story of a vagina with teeth that bites off the penises of men foolish enough to try to have sex with it.
In Teeth, a high school woman repeatedly subjected to vile, non-consensual sex suddenly develops a set of choppers in her whooha that dismembers the -- ah -- members of date rapists and other persons unfortunate enough to be born with a tallywacker. When I say "dismembers," I mean in the most graphic cinematic detail possible.
Our heroine quickly realizes that her four-lipped man eater is a source of female empowerment, the leveler of patriarchy. A warning for anyone who dislikes seeing severed penises lying about or watching dogs chew on them (which likely includes anyone cursed with the "Y" chromosome): this may not be the film for you. In fact, our male readers would do well to skip it in favor of some "cool" film more suited to their intellects -- you know, where things get blown up.
The astute producers of Teeth, which was hailed at the Sundance Film Festival this year, know a good thing when they see it, so they've green lighted a sequel called Braces. It's the story of a noble feminist orthodontist who fits Teeth's choppers with a set of sweet looking braces to adjust a nasty malocclusion that made penis-chomping uncomfortable.
The producers say they hope that Braces will help usher in the next wave of feminism, the fourth wave, where the principal emphasis will be on female dental care, especially among third-world and trans-women of color. (The producers go to great lengths to emphasize that merely because no one can intelligently define third wave feminism, this does not mean it doesn't exist or that the fourth wave isn't coming.)
Me, I'm just waiting to see what happens to the boys when their organs hit the sharp metal of the orthodontic hardware lying in wait inside our heroine. Now that will be cool.
