PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne, 33, has a message for Catholics who only attend mass on Christmas and Easter: "Keep your f*cking, sorry asses out of my church from now on." Swayne was outraged on Easter Sunday when there were approximately four times the volume of regular worshippers at church.Swayne, a long-time parishioner at St. Elizabeth's in Pleasant Hills, says the "interlopers" are easy to spot. "They're usually better dressed than the regulars, because they obviously don't realize that Catholics don't bother to don the fancy garb of commerce like the Protestants and the Jews who are all out trying to impress one another." Moreover, according to Swayne, "they don't know the prayers" and just stand there "like f*cking zombies."
Swayne notes that none of this stops the "interlopers" from stealing his regular pew, eighth pew on the left at the 7:30 Mass, or from receiving Holy Communion. Swayne makes sure to tell them exactly how he feels during the sign of peace. "Yesterday, for example, I shook one interloper's hand and told her that I hate her with every fiber of my being."
Swayne says he' s only doing the Lord's work. "I'm just sort of God's back-up in case he doesn't realize he has hypocrites in his midst."
