WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Supreme Court, in a 7-2 decision released yesterday in the case of “A Jack in The Box That Cries v. United States,” ruled that segregation of toys based upon appearance, desirability, or factory of national origin is inherently discriminatory and a violation of the equal protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. The ruling effectively abolishes the Island of Misfit Toys, a barren outpost on the nether-regions of the North Pole established in 1964 by Rankin-Bass. The Island has been a repository for toys with “exceptional” qualities for over forty years. Chief Justice John Roberts authored the majority opinion for the Court. Justice Antonin Scalia and Justice Clarence Thomas were the lone dissenters. Each justice filed a separate dissent in which they “found no substantive disagreement with the majority on the issues raised by petitioner Jack-In-The-Box That Cries. However, we just enjoy being disagreeable.”
ACLU attorney Witold “Vic” Walczak hailed the decision. “Perhaps now the stigma associated with toys that society calls different, or special, can be eradicated.” Walczak said the ruling paves the way for toys like water pistols that shoot jelly, or dollies that cry to be mainstreamed into the playrooms of children everywhere. “We’re grateful the court has affirmed our argument.” When asked how he planned to spend the rest of the holiday season, Walczak flashed a broad grin. “Creche removal,” he said.
