TODDLER ARRESTED FOR RAPING 27-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

PITTSBURGH - Jacob Mahoney, 3, was arrested and charged with raping the 27-year-old owner of the day care center that cared for him. The boy was led away in handcuffs, sucking a lollipop, and is being held at the Allegheny County Jail pending arraignment. Authorities are weighing whether he should be tried as an adult. If convicted, he would face up to 40 years imprisonment then be required to register as a sex offender for the remainder of his life.

Mahoney allegedly forced himself on the victim in her private office at the day care center. It is the policy of this news service not to report the identities of females who allege they are victims of crimes perpetrated by males even if it turns out the allegations were purposefully false.

The victim's accusation was substantiated by co-worker Michelle Giunta, who walked in on the tail-end of the brutal assault. "I opened the door and saw [the victim] with her top and bra removed," Giunta explained. "Jacob was lying face up on a table, his pants were pulled down, and he was crying. [The victim] had her right hand on Jacob's private parts. There were scratches all over his body. My first reaction was to leave because I'd obviously intruded on something very private, but before I could do that [the victim] saw me, and she immediately pulled her hand away from Jacob and put on her bra, then she explained that she was fighting off Jacob's improper sexual advances," said Ms. Giunta.

"Needless to say, I was shocked. All I could think of was, 'That sweet little child, and it turns out he's no better than any other man. Jacob is a misogynist!' I asked Jacob in my sternest voice to explain himself, but all he would say was, 'Go outside and play, go outside and play.' Imagine how callous someone would have to be to say such a thing at a time like that, flaunting his male privilege! Right then and there, I knew he was guilty."

Ms. Giunta called the police who promptly took the boy into custody. The victim reportedly told police that she and Jacob had become affectionate over the past several months but that the boy "took it too far, without my consent." Police say they are satisfied with the victim's explanation for the marks on the boy's body: the victim scratched him only after learning that Jacob had been unfaithful to her by playing with a little girl. "It's our policy not to press charges against women who tell us their crime was prompted by something a male did," explained Sgt. Noel Haas. "Which is virtually everything."

At the police station, Jacob's father, Noah Swayne, 29, claimed that Jacob is physically incapable of committing rape. Ms. Giunta rolled her eyes. "One needn't wonder where Jacob learned to mistreat women with such a poor male role model," she said. "I have no doubt the father taught him to watch Internet porn, which most likely led to this tragedy. 'Incapable of committing rape?' Nice try, mister, but I saw [the victim's] hand on Jacob's private parts, and what possible motive would she have to lie? All I can say is, thank goodness she was able to stop him or who knows what he might have done to her."