NORTH POLE - Yukon Cornelius, legendary prospector and nemesis of the Abominable Snowman, has been diagnosed with inoperable black lung disease.
Santa Claus, acting as spokesman for the Cornelius family, said the patient was resting comfortably. “He is alert, and he’s on a steady morphine drip to help him with the pain. It’s just a matter of time now. He’s a goner.”
Mr. Cornelius checked himself into North Pole Suburban General last week after complaining of shortness of breath and fatigue. An MRI revealed that both of Mr. Cornelius’ lungs were heavily damaged after a lifetime of prolonged exposure to the carcinogens associated with prospecting for precious metals in the mountainous regions of the North Pole.
Mr. Cornelius’s dire health was further complicated by an infection that developed on his whip hand after he was mauled by one of the dogs that pull his sled. “If there was any hope for recovery, they would have amputated by now,” said Santa.
Reached at his Tijuana boarding house, Prospector Roy C. Dobbs remembered his old colleague as a man who was not afraid to go anywhere, or do anything to stake his claim.
“I know when we were looking for the treasure of the Sierra Madre, Yukon was pretty handy with a gun. There are quite a few Federales and banditos that felt the sting of hot lead courtesy of my buddy Yukon.”
Santa said he would provide additional reports as the situation warrants.
