CAMP DAVID, Md. - Presidential celebrity impressionists Vaughn Meader, David Frye, Rich Little and Frank Caliendo met at Camp David yesterday to discuss the "pending crisis" to their acts if Hillary Clinton is elected the first female president in U.S. history.
The men agreed that if Mrs. Clinton is elected, they will not attempt to imitate her voice. "I know a farmer who has a device that could make us talk like her," said Rich Little, puffing a cigar and doing his best George Burns. "But it would hurt like hell."
Vaughn Meader, who skyrocketed to fame in the early 1960s imitating President John F. Kennedy, told the group that Clinton's election "will do to all of you what Lee Harvey Oswald did to me." Oswald's assassination of President Kennedy sent Meader's career into a downward spiral from which he's never recovered. "Make no mistake: Oswald splattered Vaughn Meader's brains all over Dealy Plaza on November 22, 1963."
The room grew uncomfortable until Frank Caliendo stood up as John Madden. "Well, I know one thing. You can't imitate the president if you can't imitate the president," he said emphatically. "More important, you're not a woman if you're not a woman. And if Hillary is president, she'll be a woman president, but we won't."
David Frye, best known for his imitation of Richard Nixon, said he feared that his audience might feel cheated if he can't imitate the president. "People have a right to know if David Frye is a crook," he said. "Well, I'm not a crook," he said defiantly. A strange smile shot across his face, and he raised his arms in the air, flashing a "V" for victory with both hands.
The meeting adjourned with the men agreeing that they need to campaign vigorously for each of the male candidates. They also agreed not to rule out castration.
