WASHINGTON, D.C. - John Rambo, veteran of three Hollywood films and two tours of duty in the Vietnam War, testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee today on the problem of steroids in the action hero industry. Because the Chairman felt his testimony was so important, the standard dress code was suspended. Mr. Rambo appeared before the Committee without a shirt. He wore only a bandanna and camouflage pants. He spoke for over four hours, delivering his monosyllabic answers in a low, guttural voice that seethed with rage. The atmosphere inside the hearing room was tense. Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland) scolded the musclebound loner, telling him “the American people have the right to know their action heroes are clean.” He went on to condemn what he called the abuse of performance enhancing stimulants by people who defeat entire armies by themselves, using only the weapons they can carry and the wits they have been given by God, and, in the process, sustaining only minor injuries, if any. “This defies belief.” He cited a current example. “Did you see what John McClane did in Live Free or Die Hard? He never would have been able to do those things in Die Hard: With a Vengeance [the sequel to Die Hard].”
Representative Cummings went on to say he suspects many older, white males looking to prolong their careers in the vigilante business may be tempted to take human growth hormone, or other banned substances. “We have a duty to see this type of thing doesn’t happen.”
