Dear Judge: I’m 18 and am dating a girl I really like. I think tomorrow might be the big night (if you know what I mean), but I’m inexperienced. Any suggestions?-- Bob from Brentwood
Dear Bob: You’ve come to the right place. First, it always helps if you arrive at the date sweating profusely. Women love man-smell – “Olor de hombre” they call it.
Next, no wasting time buying her dinner. If she says she’s hungry, tell her you’ve got a headache. That always works for them, so it’s about time we borrow it.
When you get her alone, you want to show her how efficient you can be, so no dallying. Speed is key. Afterwards, never linger at the scene of the crime. Get the hell out of there fast. Good luck!
To Timmy from Pleasant Hills: If she didn’t consent in writing, it’s rape. That’s the new law. You’re going away for a long time.
