FEMINIST CONDEMNS BOY WHO CUTS HER GRASS FOR IGNORING WOMEN'S INTERPRETATIONS OF THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES

NAPLES, Florida - Local feminist Noel Swayne is complaining that the young man who cuts her grass, Jacob Haas, 17, cut it too short last week. Jacob denies it, and Swayne is so angry she fired him.

Jacob, who had been cutting Ms. Swayne's grass for two years, claims that he "had the mower on the same setting I always use." But Ms. Swayne rejected Jacob's contention as "invalid" because "it ignores a woman's interpretation of her own experiences."

"Jacob is speaking from a perspective of male privilege," Ms. Swayne said angrily. "As an exponent of patriarchy, of course he will say whatever pops into his head to preserve his male entitlements if he thinks they are being taken from him." Ms. Swayne said she will fire Jacob and hire a female grass cutter "who, incidentally, makes only 77 cents for every dollar Jacob makes."

Jacob has a different take on it. "Ms. Swayne's pretending she's upset with me because the woman she's housemates with caught her staring at me for a real long time while I was cutting the grass without my shirt," he said. "I think Ms. Swayne, like, has a crush on me. Anyway, this isn't about male privilege or patriarchy; it's about the setting on the lawnmower's blade, which was exactly right. And by the way, if she could have found some girl to cut the grass at 77% what she pays me, that cheap bitch would have done it two years ago."