HOLLYWOOD - The Carbolic Smoke Ball once again calls upon our teen film critic, Jacob Swayne, to review the Oscar contenders.
Hey, dudes, I'm chillaxin here in my phat hotel room at the Marriott next to the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, totally. As soon as I'm finished with this, I'll be knocking boots with the GF, so as you can imagine this will be short. Way. Are you ready to, like, make some serious cheddar betting on the Oscars? I'm going to make you rich by handicapping the winners.
No Country for Old Men: The title aptly suggests that this must be a country for YOUNG dudes, feel me? This one should win all the marbles, but you'd never know it based on the totally gay plot: The one guy (like, Josh Brolin) finds drug money, then this really, really messed guy (Javier Bardem) with a Moe-of-the-Three-Stooges haircut, goes after him to get the money. The Moe guy carries this contraption around that I think they use to, like, castrate bulls or something. And meantime Mr. Five-Oh (Tommy Lee Jones) is just old and he's tired of all the evil in the world and shit, and he really doesn't play any part in the movie except to add much needed dead space so you can, like, catch your breath from all the totally scary parts about Mr. Moe-haircut dude going after the dork (like, Josh Brolin). It's really shizzle and wicked, even though the ending makes no sense at all and will leave you scratching your you-know-whats, if you have any you-know-whats. Heh heh.
There Will Be Blood: Another whacked white guy (Daniel Day-Lewis) who's like, totally evil and shit who doesn't care about anybody else. He's this oil entrepreneur who uses anyone in his path for his own illicit ends (thank you, mom for that line) because he, like, has no soul or conscience. He flips out on people for no reason, the way we'd all like to do if we were so permitted, thank you. The one plus is that there are no women in the film to slow down the plot with "human interest" story lines -- there's just wall-to-wall guys and evil, which is really cool. Then at the end, there is blood. In, like, the whacked guy's private bowling alley. This one might win, it's actually my favorite, but it's too weird for most people.
Juno: OK, now we have a film that proves how f*cked up things get when you have chicks on screen. Cute, perky high school chick hits it with her dorky BF, and she gets knocked up. I wouldn't mind going a couple rounds with her. She decides to give the baby to this couple, a cool guy and his uptight beeyatch of a wife. Then the wife becomes too beeyatchy for the cool guy, and he divorces her, but the chick gives the baby to the woman anyway, I guess so she can raise the baby as a little beeyatch. I think the point is that women don't need men to raise a baby or something. (Well, men don't need women in whacked films like "There Will Be Blood.") In the end, the chick realizes she really loves dorky BF, which is good because he really is cool. This is a good film, but it doesn't have the gravitas of the first two, whatever the hell that means.
Atonement: I, like, fell asleep for more than an hour in this one because I'd been with the GF all night using her body as my personal playground (heh heh), and this stupid film dealt with older people to whom I can't relate to -- the guy's like 21 or something. He (the old man) is falsely accused of rape and he didn't do it, blah, blah, blah. As boring as hell. Poke my eyes out! My fellow Carbolic film critic and former Duke lacrosse stripper Crystal Gail Mangum reviewed it in far more depth, in the post immediately following this one. One comment to the little bitch who made the false rape allegation -- you can't ATONE for your lie by writing a book about it with a happy ending that never really happened (I kid you not, that's the plot of this stupid movie). If that were the case, I'd write a book that Abraham Lincoln was President now so he'd straighten out the mess in Iraq. Can't be done, lady. If this movie wins, I'll kill myself.
Michael Clayton: A thriller, a very exciting picture, even though it made no sense at all and I couldn't follow it. For that reason it'll probably win. George Clooney is a lawyer who handles hard-to-fix things, and he gets out of his car to look at horses, then his car blows up and everything. I don't know what the f*ck the horses are supposed to symbolize. Why not rabbits? Or turtles? But George is a good attorney, even though he's real shady, because he's out to expose some big corporation of wrongdoing, as is practiced by all the corporations, you know.
OK, time to bone the GF. See you on the red carpet on Sunday night.
