Local man incensed: ‘Vernal equinox isn’t what it used to be’

PITTSBURGH - Popular bon vivant Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme displeasure” that the temperatures for the first days of spring feel more like winter.

“Somebody needs to take a stand on this,” Swayne explained.

“I tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days. It came roaring in like thunder, and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.’”

Swayne said his next protest is Christmas, “because that’s not as good as it used to be, either.”