PITTSBURGH - Steelers chairman Dan Rooney announced yesterday that he has instituted a team celibacy requirement for all players effective immediately. “Starting today, this is strictly a ‘no broads’ outfit. I don’t need this aggravation. If it’s good enough for the Church, it’s good enough for the Steelers.” The new policy has been adopted in response to a rash of domestic violence incidents involving current and former Steelers players. It applies to all unmarried players on the roster, as well as all players selected in next month’s NFL draft. Additionally, all players will be asked to join the local chapter of The He-Man Woman Haters Club, an exclusively male outfit founded in 1937 by Mr. Alfalfa Schweitzer that believes “girls are the bunk.” Upon administration of the oath, all players will receive a badge acknowledging membership. “The badge should be worn at all times, especially in public,” said Mr. Rooney.
The Steelers' new program is believed to be the first mandatory celibacy action league-wide, but Mr. Rooney said it won’t be the last. “I imagine every other team is going to take a look at what we’re doing and follow suit.” A spokesman for NFL Players Association head Gene Upshaw said union officials had not seen a copy of the Steelers new anti-domestic violence initiative, but would be opposed to any restrictions placed upon players rights to have physical relations with members of the opposite sex.
