WASHINGTON, D.C. - The nation’s highest court yesterday reversed decades of discrimination against non-humans seeking to enjoy a popular sugar-coated breakfast cereal when it found in favor of the Rabbit in his suit against General Mills.Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts held that General Mills violated the equal protection clause of the United States Constitution by restricting consumption of Trix, a fruit-flavored breakfast cereal, to anyone identified as kids. “The use of the term 'kids' is unusually broad, and implies exclusivity,” wrote Roberts. “Furthermore, it imposes unnecessary burdens and unreasonable barriers before any other living creature wishing to exercise their right to choose a suitable meal for breakfast. As such, it must be abolished.”
Despite ruling in his favor, the Chief Justice admonished the Rabbit for resorting to trickery in his efforts to obtain Trix. “We cannot condone the numerous attempts by the Rabbit to pass himself off as a human being by employing a variety of disguises designed to deceive. We caution the Rabbit, and other woodland creatures, the proper way to seek redress for grievances is through the Courts.” Famed civil rights lawyer William Kunstler, counsel for the Rabbit, said his client was relieved the matter was finally closed. “It was never about the cereal with him. It was always about the principle.”
