Dear readers: I am sorry to report that, without my knowledge, some misguided members of our staff decided to play an April Fools' Day joke on you by posting three actual wire service stories. I have just now discovered this atrocity and have ordered the posts removed.
This prank was extremely offensive, and the responsible parties have been terminated. I accept full responsibility for this inexcusable lapse in judgment.
I offer my special apologies to the fake news community for besmirching the reputation we have all worked so hard to achieve.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham