Clinton proposes tax on noctural emissions to fund women's shelters

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Hillary Clinton, trailing in the polls for the upcoming Pennsylvania primary and looking to solidify her standing with women voters, proposed a $40 per occurrence tax on nocturnal emissions to fund women's domestic violence shelters. Clinton unveiled the proposal on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today and announced to rousing applause a plan "to eradicate within our lifetime the scourge of any ejaculation, even of the so-called involuntary variety, that occurs without a woman's enthusiastic verbal consent."

Under the Clinton plan, dubbed the "Wet Dream Tax," every teen male, or his parents until he reaches age 18, will automatically be assessed for 15 nocturnal emissions annually. Unmarried males ages 20-27 would be assessed for six occurrences. Some parents of teen boys think the proposed tax is discriminatory and said it would be burdensome, especially on top of Clinton's proposed "Masturbation Tax," which would tag every teen male with an annual flat fee of $2,500 to go toward breast cancer research.

A Clinton campaign spokeswoman said the proposed taxes were designed as "compensation for oppression to women since studies show that ejaculatory dreams and fantasies typically involve subjugation and mistreatment of women." She noted that the taxes were not discriminatory since prospective mothers could control whether to pay them "by utilizing their lawful abortion options and engaging in gender selection" before deciding to give birth to a boy.

Senator Clinton also told Ellen DeGeneres that she will take part in this weekend's "Walk to End All Walks Except for Breast Cancer."