GENERAL DISMISSED AFTER USING EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM FOR APRIL FOOL’S JOKE; FEDS CLAIM SIGNAL TURNED TO FREQUENCY ONLY DOGS COULD HEAR

WASHINGTON, D.C. - General William Truegood, longtime chairman of the Emergency Broadcast System, was dismissed by executive order yesterday after it was determined he had authorized the use of the Emergency Broadcast System for an April Fools joke. Federal authorities believe the General instructed a subordinate to adjust the frequency of the signal to a level only dogs could hear.

The prank was performed in an effort to place his own dog in an agitated state, thus disrupting a bridge game his wife was holding for the Emergency Broadcast System Women’s Auxiliary. When dogs throughout the area began howling, clawing at the door, and chasing their tails all at once, police suspected mischief. FBI agents arrested Trueheart in his downtown office, where he was observed participating in conspiratorial laughter with the subordinate responsible for carrying out his order.

As he was taken away in handcuffs, Trueheart pleaded for mercy. “This was a joke! It was only a joke! If there had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed where to tune in your area for news and official information!” FBI agent Tim Hulme, speaking to reporters as he led Trueheart away, said, “The General's arrest concludes this shameful abuse of the Emergency Broadcast System.”

Trueheart was flown to the Army stockade at Fort Leavenworth, where he will await court martial.