PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne slumps over in his overstuffed easy chair, one hand clutching a phone that refuses to ring. Empty Diet Rite Cola bottles are strewn about the floor. Noah's bathrobe is carelessly opened in the front to reveal a little too much Noah. The red, puffy eyes testify to excessive crying.
Neighbors say Swayne has been like this since Wednesday. That's the day the recordings of Hillary Clinton stopped calling.
"One day, [the recording of] Hillary interrupted Guiding Light six times -- I know because I counted. She sweet talked me, made all kind of promises, told me how important I am -- you know, she totally came on to me," said Swayne. "Six times she called! She even had [a recording of Pennsylvania Governor] Ed Rendell call me, you know, talking her up the way Karen Haas' brother did when he was tryin' to get me to ask his sister to the 11th grade dance."
Swayne leans forward as if he's about to reveal who killed JFK. "Hillary and I did things on the phone I normally don't do until a third date," he confides. "Then poof -- after the [Pennsylvania] primary -- nothing! You don't lead someone on like that and then just stop calling, cold turkey."
"Politicians! They're all alike! They're all dicks, selfish assholes, toying with a girl's heart. I don't need any of them, ever, because you can't trust any of them." Swayne said he plans to "invite some girlfriends over Friday night, make some popcorn, and then we'll all curl up in our pajamas and do some serious politican bashing."
A recording of Hillary Clinton responded to inquiries about this story by saying, "Tell Noah, it's not him, it's me."