BY DR. NOAH SWAYNE, SCIENTIST - There's an enemy hiding in your bathroom's soap dish.
It wants you to hold it, to caress it, and to think that only it can make you clean.
In fact, it is the single most germ-infested object in your home.
It is your soap.
I am, of course, speaking from a purely SCIENTIFIC perspective.
You innocently invite this Trojan Horse into the most private room of your home, the room where you frolic about naked in front of the mirror longing for a longer long john, blissfully oblivious that the thing that is supposed to protect you from filth and disease is laden through and through with it.
Soap has been the leading cause of death in America for the past 67 years.
Men, do you get urine on your hands while peeing? Urine contains .0001 mg of germs per square inch. Soap contains 8.73 mg of germs per square inch. You'd be much cleaner washing your hands with pee instead of soap.
Vomit, industrial waste and rodents are all much cleaner than soap.
There is only one solution if you want to avoid disease and, yes, even death: ditch the soap, fast. And the next time someone tells you to wash your hands, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts.