SAN FRANCISCO - The Olympic Torch was found in his hotel room yesterday morning, unlit. It is believed the Torch extinguished himself. Members of the Torch’s entourage, who have been traveling with him on a journey that was scheduled to end with a two-week stay in Beijing this summer, became alarmed when he failed to answer his wake-up call. After obtaining a pass-key, they entered his room, where they found him smoldering. “He was still warm. We did everything we could, but our attempts to reignite were unsuccessful. It has been raining for days in this town, and nobody had a dry match.” It is believed the Torch destroyed all flammable materials in his room prior to putting himself out. A rambling, poorly written note, filled with passages one person described as “heartbreaking” was found on the nightstand next to his bed. The note explained that “he no longer wished to burn.” Authorities believe the series of violent protests occurring wherever the Torch has appeared recently contributed to the decision to take his own flame. “He’s been feeling kind of low lately,” said an associate of the Torch who wished to remain anonymous. “I kept telling him, it’s not you, man. You’ve got nothing to do with this whole Tibet thing. But he wouldn’t listen. He said he was sick of getting hassled.”
The Chinese government issued a statement this morning expressing regret over the passing of the Torch, and introduced his replacement, the Olympic Glow-Stick.
