Breakthrough: Scientist sharpens blurry impressionist paintings

PITTSBURGH - Dr. Samuel Blatchford, the inventor of digital photography, has perfected a software program that will, for the first time, turn blurry impressionist paintings into photographic-like images marked by crystal clarity.

"Monet, Renoir, Degas -- these are some of the greatest artists the world has ever known," explained Dr. Blatchford, "but, unfortunately, they always seemed to be in such a damn rush -- like they never had time to do it right -- that their creations invariably came out blurry."

"It's that indistinct quality, the fuzziness, that turns everybody off about their stuff and keeps them from being considered alongside the great masters," said Dr. Blatchford.

All that's about to change, Dr. Blatchford said. For starters, he's spent the past eleven months "Blatchfordizing" Monet's entire body of work. Pictured here is a "before" and "after" comparison of Monet's 1878 classic Impression: Boys Peeing. "Now, you are able to see the boys exactly as they looked when Monet painted them taking a whiz," Dr. Blatchford said. "My corrected image provides so much detail, it's so vivid, you can practically reach out and grab their asses -- not that I would ever have any desire to grab their asses; I mean, why would I want to grab some young guy's ass? Only if I were a pervert would I want to grab their asses, especially the cute dude on the left -- and I say 'cute' only because that's what a pervert would think. Just so everybody's clear, the hunk on the left absolutely disgusts me because I hate, hate, hate young guys, and their asses and the smell of their urine -- it's disgusting to me as a heterosexual man."

Dr. Blatchford rejected concerns of critics that he's tampering with art without the artist's permission. "If they think this is bad, just wait until they see Van Gogh's stuff in 3-D," Dr. Blatchford chuckled.