(Pittsburgh ) - Commissioner Bud Selig announced today he has begun an investigation into allegations the seventh inning pierogie races at PNC Park are fixed. Rumors have circulated for years among gamblers and the general public that the popular inter-inning dash featuring four nimble potato and flour-based creatures isn’t “on the level.”
If the Commissioner’s investigation turns up evidence of cheating on the part of any of the participants in the race, it is believed Mr. Selig will levy a stiff punishment. He gave some indication of what that punishment might be in discussions with reporters outside his Park Avenue office. “No pierogie who throws a race, no pierogie who undertakes or promises to throw a race, no pierogie who sits in confidence with a bunch of crooked pierogies and gamblers, where the ways and means of throwing a pierogie race are discussed and does not promptly tell his club about it, will ever race in a major league baseball stadium again,” he said.
As news of the Commissioner’s comments spread, a large crowd gathered outside of the pierogies entrance at PNC Park . One boy, clearly distraught, pleaded with Sauerkraut Sol. “Say it ain’t so, Sol,” he cried, but the object of his affection recoiled. “Hands off, you little creep!” he growled, before slamming the door in his face.