(Pittsburgh ) - Arizona Senator John McCain, the presumptive nominee of the Republican party in this fall's presidential election, was caught on film in a passionate embrace with a woman who is not his wife. The tape was broadcast last night on all three networks. The woman in question, known to millions as Aunt Penny, matriarch of a famous Western Pennsylvania automobile dealership, was confronted by reporters as she left a downtown parking garage this morning. A man with white hair appeared to be cowering behind the passenger seat in the back of the vehicle, but refused to speak when asked to identify himself. Aunt Penny refused to comment on the authenticity of the tape, saying only that she considered Senator McCain “a dear friend.” Aunt Penny did confirm that while the Senator languished in a North Vietnamese prison for more than five years, she faithfully sent him shipments of her famous elderberry preserves through the Red Cross. In his 2005 autobiography, the Senator credited those preserves as giving him the will to live.
When pressed for further details on the nature of their relationship, Aunt Penny hit the accelerator and pulled out, tires screeching. She was last seen heading for the Liberty Tubes, trailed by numerous paparazzi riding motorcycles. A person answering the phones at Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet, where Aunt Penny works, said the venerable pitchwoman “was out of the office today.” Her whereabouts remain unknown.
