Coach says he can’t remember a word of what speaker said at his own graduation; unleashes a torrent of obscenities so “you will always remember this day”

LATROBE --- When Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was asked to deliver the commencement address at St. Vincent College last week, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say.

“I interviewed 89 prospective Steelers before the draft, and asked each of them what their commencement speaker had said to them,” Tomlin said today. “They had no idea.”

Determined to create a memorable speech, Tomlin threw himself into the task with his usual intensity. “First I read I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe to get a sense of current-day campus life. One thing really stuck out for me: what Wolfe calls the 'f*ck patois' of today’s students. I figured if I spoke their language, they’d be more likely to remember what I said years from now.”

After making some inoffensive remarks acknowledging parents, faculty and trustees, Tomlin launched into an obscenity-laced motivational speech, which cannot be reprinted here. Gasps could be heard from the audience.

H. James Towey, President of St. Vincent, said he had no idea that Tomlin had planned such a speech. “Clearly, we should have requested a transcript beforehand,” Towey said. “We had to cut the live-feed of our ceremonies on the Internet.” St. Vincent’s website was a blank blue screen until Tomlin’s remarks ended.

Student reaction was more positive. “Holy sh*t, that was a f*ing awesome speech,” business major Noah Swayne, Jr. said. “That f*cking dude is great, man. I’m glad they didn’t pick some a**hole to give some boring speech. We don’t need that sh*t. F*ck that.”