(Morgantown) - The Mountaineer issued a statement this morning calling for the immediate resignation of embattled WVU President Mike Garrison. “I cannot, in good conscience, continue to carry a musket and dress in authentic frontier costume on behalf of an institution that sacrifices academic integrity for the sake of nepotism,” he said. “I will no longer preside over post-game riots during football or basketball season, nor will I participate in a single couch-burning until Mr. Garrison departs.” Mr. Mountaineer punctuated his remarks by firing a solitary blast of his musket into the air, throwing his coonskin cap to the ground and emitting a blood-curdling shriek.
Mr. Garrison is the principal figure in a scandal involving the fraudulent awarding of a master of business administration degree to Mylan Inc., executive Heather Bresch. Ms. Bresch is the daughter of West Virginia Governor Joseph Manchin. She has also been linked romantically to the Mountaineer. Numerous photos of the two of them together have appeared in the society pages of Morgantown newspapers.
This past Saturday evening, Ms. Bresch accompanied the Mountaineer to the Hog Callers Ball, where they mingled with guests and took turns as a “celebrity caller” during the square dance. Nevertheless, the Mountaineer said he “would not allow his relationship with Ms. Bresch to compromise his position as a representative of West Virginia University.” Mr. Mountaineer vowed to return the doctorate in quantum physics he earned from WVU in protest if Mr. Garrison remains in office.
