In the event the Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup, Pittsburgh police chief Nate Harper said a squadron of police officers will insure that Sidney Crosby, 20, and Jordan Staal, 19, don't drink champagne as part of the team's victory celebration.
"If those boys put so much as a drop of champagne to their lips," Harper explained in a televised news conference, "they will be strip searched on the ice in full view of their adoring fans, then led away in handcuffs. Nothing will send a stronger message to our young people about the gross impropriety of underage drinking than making an example of two overpaid boozeheads." Harper then looked directly into the camera and issued a challenge to Staal. "And, Staal, I know all about what happened in Minnesota," a reference to Staal's arrest last summer for underage drinking and other misconduct at his brother's bachelor party. "You want a piece of me? Come on, punk. Just try it. Just try it."
Harper denied reports that his plan calls for the arresting officers to "rough up" the young men. "It's not part of the official agenda, but if a nightstick happened to land on their [testicles], let's just say I won't cry about it. They will, I won't."
Crosby won't say if he and Staal plan to have a drink in the event the Pens win, but he's already mounting an ironclad legal defense. "We'll ask the judge to try us as adults, then when he says 'OK,' we'll have the charges dismissed because adults are allowed to drink."