(Hooterville) The lifeless bodies of Oliver Wendell Douglas, his wife Lisa Douglas, and beloved farm-hand Eb Dawson were discovered by neighbors yesterday, the apparent victims of foul play. All three were found with their hands bound behind their back. Their throats had been slit. Their bodies were riddled with bullets. The brutality of the crime sent shock waves through this placid, pastoral community and attracted the attention of noted author Truman Capote.
Mr. Capote arrived in town this morning. He immediately began the exhaustive interview process that will allow him to create a modern literary classic from the facts surrounding this macabre, sordid tale. “I’m really going to miss seeing Mr. Douglas riding his tractor in that three-piece suit,” said Mr. Sam Drucker, proprietor of the General Store. “Farm living was the life for him.”
Mr. Drucker was one of several people who spoke with Mr. Capote, who appeared to be under some duress. “I have spent six hours in this God-forsaken Hell-hole and it feels like eternity,” said Mr. Capote. “I would rather chew shards of glass than spend another minute listening to the imbecilic musings of Mr. Hank Kimble.” Mr. Capote said he looks forward to the conclusion of his visit. “I have one more interview scheduled for this afternoon with a Mr. Arnold Ziffle. With any luck, I’ll be on the train back to New York by dusk.”