(Durham, North Carolina) - Senator Robert Byrd smothered Senator Ted Kennedy with a pillow yesterday, killing the long-time champion of liberalism. A spokesman for Senator Byrd said that the Senator was under the impression that the doctors at the Duke University Medical Center had performed a lobotomy on his colleague from Massachusetts in an attempt to finally stifle his irrepressible spirit. When Senator Byrd discovered that Senator Kennedy had not received a lobotomy, but had undergone a surgical procedure to remove a malignant brain tumor, he ripped a drinking fountain out of the wall, lifted it over his head and hurled it through a glass window to make his escape. Chief Surgeon Dr. Joseph Dunn said he discovered Senator Byrd in Senator Kennedy’s room shortly after completion of the operation. “He was wandering around the room, muttering to himself, picking up loose items, looking at them, and putting them down,” said Dr. Dunn. “It’s like he was looking for just the right thing to administer a humane end to the life of a beloved public figure.”
Dr. Dunn said he witnessed Senator Byrd holding an unabridged copy of Webster’s American Heritage Dictionary, as well as a full set of encyclopedias, before finally removing the pillow from underneath Senator Kennedy’s head. Police have asked Senator Byrd to voluntarily turn himself in to authorities. “It was an honest mistake,” said Chief David Long. “I’m sure he feels awful. We’ll probably let him off with a warning.”
