(Pittsburgh) - The Pittsburgh Symphony has announced that it will introduce a new “All You Can Eat Section” to Heinz Hall in an attempt to increase attendance figures and attract a younger, more obese fan base. Beginning with this Friday evening’s Clash recital, the first ten rows of seats directly in front of the stage will be reserved for music-lovers who also love gorging themselves on nachos, pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, ice cream and soft drinks. The announcement was made only days after the Symphony said it would forego any new marketing or promotional tie-ins following last Friday’s indoor fireworks debacle that followed a Pittsburgh Pops tribute to the music of Barry White. “We very much regret the damage done to our facility by the fireworks,” said Marketing Director Nick Sarver. “We also mourn the loss of life that occurred during the stampede to the exits. But our studies show that the only way to attract a crowd to any event in Pittsburgh is to find a suitable hook, or niche that will bring them in. Something that has absolutely nothing in common with the event that, in theory, they’re paying to see.”
Mr. Sarver said the success of the All You Can Eat Section at PNC Park played an important part in the decision by the Symphony Board to give his idea a try. “Just look how they’re packing them in over on the North Side,” he said.
