(The Hundred Acre Wood) - Winnie the Pooh, willy-nilly-silly old bear, was killed by a poacher yesterday when he emerged from his home. His carcass, riddled with bullets, was discovered by Tigger early this morning. “I pounced on him like I always do, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! But he didn’t move, a hoo hoo hoo hoo! And now I know why!” Tigger sobbed, before adding “boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!”
Authorities suspect Mr. Pooh was led to his doom by the scent from a honey pot strategically placed under his window. Mr. Pooh has battled an addiction to honey for years. “Everybody knows Pooh was always on the make for honey,” said an animal friend identified as Piglet. “He was in an out of rehab many times, trying to get clean. It was a monkey on his back he just couldn’t shake. In the end, it cost him his life.”
Detective Sebastian Cabot, Chief Inspector of the Hundred Acre Homicide Division, said he was still gathering clues from the crime scene. He refused to speculate on the identity of the killer, but said he did consider young Christopher Robin “a person of interest.” Mr. Robin received a rifle as a birthday present from his parents. According to Detective Cabot, Mr. Robin was recently observed by several residents of the Hundred Acre Wood walking alone, brandishing his gun “in a threatening way” and muttering under his breath.