(Calcutta ) Mohandas Gandhi, spindly leader of the Indian independence movement, announced today that he is swearing off “non-violent resistance” after being bullied at the beach in front of his shapely girlfriend.According to witnesses, the incident started when Lord Basil Schropshire called Mr. Gandhi “skinny” in an obnoxious tone of voice and advised him that his “ribs were showing.” Mr. Gandhi then approached his tormentor and tried to defuse the confrontational atmosphere by preaching the virtues of courage, love, and the inherent dignity of all mankind, but his words fell on deaf ears. “Shut up, you bag of bones,” said Lord Basil, before planting a solid left jab on Gandhi’s chin. Afterward, a furious Mr. Gandhi met with reporters.
"Darn it,” he said. “I’m tired of being a skinny scarecrow. Charles Atlas says he can make me a new man. I’ll gamble a stamp and get his free book.” Mr. Gandhi vowed that it would only be a matter of time before he would become the world's most perfectly developed Mahatma. “What was I thinking with all of that non-violent resistance stuff?” he asked, smacking his palm against his forehead. “It’s going to be a lot easier ending British rule in my country when I can slap the Viceroy around a little.” Mr. Gandhi then excused himself. “I’ve got to find a stamp so I can rush this coupon to Mr. Atlas right away.”
