(New Limbsville) - Dan Malloy, a spokesman for the National Association of Prosthetic Limb Retailers, said the industry expects “higher than normal sales” following this year's Fourth of July celebration. Factors involved in the rosy forecast include the long three day holiday weekend, the anticipated consumption of massive amounts of alcohol by millions of people and the accessibility of cheap explosives.
Industry analysts also believe that President Bush’s economic stimulus package, which included billions of dollars in tax rebates, will give Americans more disposable income that will allow them to replace the charred end of a body part with one of their products. During prior economic slow-downs, self-made amputees were more likely to go without, or fashion their own, crude limbs on garage work benches, or in high school shop classes. This year, that won’t be necessary.
“There’s no question, a lot of people are going to drink and light fireworks,” said Mr. Malloy, “And when they lose that finger, or hand, we want them to know we’re here, ready to provide them with a fully operational, artificial appendage that will look and feel almost like the one they’ve lost. Our phones answer twenty-four hours a day. In most cases, we can have you in a new limb within twenty-four hours.” Mr. Malloy said many prosthetic manufacturers are offering special discounts on new products over the next five to seven days. “Be sure to check your weekly circular,” he advised.