PIRATE USHERS BALK AT MANAGEMENT REQUEST TO PATROL STANDS LOOKING FOR LOOSE CHANGE, THREATEN TO FILE GRIEVANCE

(Pittsburgh) Ushers escorting patrons to their seats at PNC Park are refusing to add “picking up coins” to their job responsibilities. This comes only a day after Pirates owner Bob Nutting instructed all club employees to “look high and low throughout the park” to gather as much dropped or lost currency as possible to “improve financial flexibility” for the team.

Mr. Nutting vowed to put every discarded penny, nickel, dime and quarter back in to the on-field product. “As a responsible steward of this venerable franchise, I realize that money doesn’t grow on trees. However, I also realize that money does fall out of people’s pockets. And when it does, at PNC Park, and it’s retrieved by our dedicated employees, I consider it mine.” 

Head usher Michael Loftus said many of the men he manages have a hard time getting up and down the stairs. “Most of these guys are over seventy years of age. The constant bending over is going to take a toll on their knees and backs. We might have to go to the NLRB with this thing.” When informed of this veiled threat, Nutting scoffed. “Our head usher will do as he’s told, or he’s liable to end up at a recycling plant on Mount Troy, if you know what I mean.”