PRESIDENT TRUMP DEPORTS PITTSBURGH PIRATES; ACLU ISSUES STATEMENT PLEDGING “COMPLETE SUPPORT”

(Pittsburgh) In a bold move that could have major implications for under-performing professional sports teams across the country, President Trump deported the Pittsburgh Pirates this morning, sending the entire opening day lineup to an undisclosed maximum-security prison in El Salvador. Announcing the move on Truth Social, Trump said “The totally amazing people of PITTSBURGH have SUFFERED ENOUGH. I’ve instructed the Attorney General to round up these so-called baseball players (who, by the way, are even BIGGER LOSERS than that MAJOR LOSER Jerome Powell) and send them to the jungle.”

He added under a separate post made an hour later “Also, I’m looking at YOU, CLEVELAND BROWNS!”

In a rare show of agreement with the current administration, ACLU spokesman Witold “Vic” Walczak issued a statement saying his organization would not oppose the deportation.

“There comes a time when you just have to say, enough is enough,” it read, adding, “we wouldn’t mind if he grabbed Nutting, too.”