Merrick Garland: 'That Should Be Me!'
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Merrick Garland, who was nominated by President Barack Obama to serve on the Supreme Court but who could not get a hearing in the Senate, crashed the swearing-in ceremony of Amy Coney Barrett at the White House last night and stood within inches of Barrett while Justice Clarence Thomas delivered the oath.
"That should be me!" Garland shouted repeatedly before White House security escorted the failed nominee from the grounds.
"Notice he was not wearing a mask," smirked President Trump. "They criticize me for not wearing a mask, but he was their nominee, and he was not wearing a mask. If that was me, they would send me to the electric chair, but Merrick Garland was not wearing a mask. He was their nominee. He was not wearing a mask. Can you imagine what they'd do to me?"
President Trump rejected any suggestion that Garland had cause to be angry.
"He crashed this big, beautiful ceremony--he's such a loser, and by the way, he's such a loser. And he was not wearing a mask. Can you imagine what they'd do to me if I did that?"
DOOMSDAY CLOCK STOPPED WHEN BATTERIES DIED, ATOMIC SCIENTISTS HAVE 'NO IDEA' HOW CLOSE WORLD IS TO ANNIHILATION
"We have no idea how close the world really is to annihilation," said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists that maintains the clock.
When the batteries were last checked, the clock's hands were at two minutes before midnight. Midnight represents the end of the end of the world.
"If we survive this, we're going to change the batteries on a regular basis," Swayne said
NASA: MARS ROVERS INVOLVED IN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT
Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.
NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.
“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.
SCIENTIST: 'BE THANKFUL' OUR SKIN ISN'T MADE OF SPONGE MATERIAL WHEN IT RAINS
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| Prof. Noah Swayne, Scientist |
Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead?
Well, I have!
In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would NEARLY DOUBLE. We would collapse on the floor in a wet puddle due to the added weight. We would need to get a (dried out!) friend to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room!
So the next time someone says that it would be "better" if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts!
HOMEWORK-EATING DOGS BRED AS PRANK HAVE EVOLVED; IQs OF 160 ATTRIBUTED TO SMART DIET
WASHINGTON - In the mid-1970s, mischievous University of Pittsburgh students selectively bred dogs to produce a canine that would eat homework so that school children could truthfully tell their teachers "my dog ate it." The breed, nicknamed "Detention Terrier" for the punishment sometimes meted out to students who fail to do their homework, was widely condemned because of its anti-education proclivities.
But thirty years later scientists are astonished because the breed has evolved into a super sub-species of canine that reads, writes, paints, and composes music.
Some of the dogs enjoy a good cigar, and The New Yorker is their periodical of choice.
Dr. Jingo Bang, who has written extensively about the dogs, isn't surprised by the breed's rapid evolution.
"While other dogs were bred to hunt or to look pretty," Dr. Bang explained, "these little dogs have done nothing but devour homework. Is it any wonder they're brilliant?"
Man uses 13,000-year-old tools to fix Pinto
PITTSBURGH - Landscapers digging a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s front yard last week found a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ice age hunter-gatherers.
Swayne immediately grabbed the rock-like instruments and went to work on his long-idled ‘73 Pinto. Now he claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.
“I’d given up on the damn thing,” said Swayne, “but with these tools, I was able to fix everything in about a half hour.”
Archaeologists are urging Swayne to donate the tools to a museum.
“All in good time,” said Swayne. “I can’t give them away for as long as I own the Pinto.”
Unemployed Notre Dame Bell Ringer Gets Temporary Job
Quasimodo to ring opening bell at New York Stock Exchange during restoration of Cathedral
BIDEN DROPS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE, WILL HEAD UP ERNEST ANGELY MINISTRIES
Promises "robust, hands-on" healing of women
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