PARIS - For centuries, Venus de Milo, the ancient Greek statute of an armless, naked woman has been considered the epitome of graceful feminine beauty. But the Louvre Museum in Paris, where Venus has been on public display since 1821, is alarmed by the statue's dwindling popularity. Thirty years ago, Venus was the Louvre's most popular attraction. Today, barely a trickle of tourists bother to visit her."Let's face it, the real problem is the breasts," said Bob Haas, the first American Director of the Louvre, hired last month after a stint at Euro Disney. "They just don't cut it for modern audiences raised on Penthouse -- so I'm told, not that I've ever read that publication."
To Haas, the solution is simple. "The way to get the crowds back is through good old-fashioned American breast augmentation," he said. "And I'm not talking about this saline-filled stuff -- you know, where the woman says 'Honey, how do you like my breasts,' and the husband pretends there's a difference but there's really not, but then he stupidly admits he can't see a difference, which starts a big fight, and he ends up sleeping on the couch for four nights. Not that this ever happened with me and my wife."
Haas wants the largest breasts possible. "I'm talking about string implants, like they use in the adult entertainment industry -- so I'm told, because how would I know about such things?" he chuckles nervously. "My goal is for this timeless classical beauty to become a testament to men's most wicked desires."
Haas dismisses the criticisms of Parisians who say his plan would crassly eroticize one of the nation's most significant artifacts. "Those are the same snooty Europeans who deride Euro Disney but are the first in line to ride the roller coasters," he said. "I will prove to the Parisians that I am not crass. I am going install first-class peep booths with all the amenities so that our male clientele can view Venus properly, with state-of-the-art coin operated timer mechanisms that will accept ATM cards."
Next year, Haas said he plans to find a sculptor to fit Venus with arms. "Let's face it," he said. "That no-limbs look is a real turn-off."
