TRUMP RENAMES 'BLACK LAGOON' THE 'AMERICAN LAGOON'

 

WASHINGTON MONUMENT GIVEN A MAKEOVER

 "And soon, it will have a new name," says President Trump.

NO ONE TOLD TRUMP UNTIL LATE IN THE AFTERNOON; PRESIDENT CONSIDERS SKIN GRAFTS BECAUSE THE INK IS INDELIBLE

 

HE WAS SCREAMING 'TARIFFS! TARIFFS!' AS THEY LED HIM AWAY

 

'RUN FOR A THIRD TERM? NO, I WON'T HAVE TO RUN.'

 

Dorian Gray posed for a photo with his best friend, Josh, at exactly the same place every 25 years

 

MIKE WALTZ EXPLAINS HIS ROLE IN THE SIGNAL WAR-PLAN SECURITY BREACH

 

JD VANCE PARACHUTES INTO GREENLAND, WELCOMES 'OUR 51st STATE' TO THE UNION

 

POLICE CALM LOCAL NERVES: ENTITY SEEN TRAMPING THROUGH THE WOODS WAS NOT 'BIGFOOT'

 

ZELENSKY STEPS DOWN IN UKRAINE, SIGNS MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR DEAL TO BE ONE OF THE 'SMITH BROTHERS'

 "Just glad I didn't shave my beard--I'd have missed the opportunity," says Prez

PEZ CANDY 'PERPLEXED' WHY THE ADAM SCHIFF DISPENSER IS NOT A BIG SELLER

 

𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐀𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄, 𝐈𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐙𝐄𝐒 ‘𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐀 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐏'

 

FOREIGN VISITORS REPORT A STRANGE PHENOMENON AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIALSINCE INAUGURATION DAY

Visitor: "When we got close, the statue moved its leg to reveal a secret message."

'CREEPIEST FILM OF THE YEAR'

TESLA TERRORIST IDENTIFIED AS 19-YEAR-OLD 'SNOW WHITE' OF BURBANK, CALIFORNIA

 

PBS DEFUNDED, COOKIE MONSTER EUTHENIZED AT 7:22 A.M.

 

TRUMP FORMS ROCK BAND WITH TERRORISTS: 'HOUTHI AND THE BLOWHARD'

HARRIS SAYS SHE WAS 'A WINNER' IN THE ELECTION--AND I'VE GOT THE TROPHY TO PROVE IT'

JOE BIDEN SPENDING RETIREMENT CHECKING OFF ITEMS ON HIS BUCKET LIST

KAMALA HARRIS PLANS 2028 RUN, SAYS SHE 'KNOWS WHAT TO EMPHASIZE THIS TIME'

FIRE AT EPCOT'S FRENCH PAVILION TRACED TO JOAN OF ARC RIDE . . . OF COURSE

 

MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX KICKS OFF FUN-FILLED ANNUAL CONVENTION

 

TRUMP GIVES STATUE OF LIBERTY BACK TO FRANCE, DEDICATES THIS ONE TO REPLACE IT

 

STRANDED ASTRONAUTS FINALLY BROUGHT BACK TO EARTH, THEIR CAPSULE IMMEDIATELY SET ON FIRE BY MUSK PROTESTORS

 

CROWD IS SHOCKED AS ASTRONAUTS EMERGE FROM SPACEX RESCUE MISSION CAPSULE: "THAT'S NOT THEM!"

NASA: "We have no idea who these people are. They are not the astronauts SpaceX was supposed to rescue."

JFK FILES REVEAL 'ASSASSINATION' WAS STAGED--OSWALD AND KENNEDY SPOTTED TOGETHER 15 YEARS LATER AT A HOT DOG EATING CONTEST

TRUMP PROMINENTLY DISPLAYS HUNTER BIDEN PAINTINGS THROUGHOUT THE WHITE HOUSE

 

A LOOK INSIDE THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE

 

IMAGE MAKEOVER: MITCH McCONNELL HEADS TO CANCUM TO BLEND IN WITH SPRING-BREAKERS

NEXT CHAPTER: BIDEN TAPPED AS SPECIAL ADVISER TO NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE

 "Uniquely qualified for this position," says ex-president.

WOMAN ATTACKED, HEROIC TEENS RUSH IN TO RECORD IT

 

Trivia: Joe Biden Played a Butler in Six Three Stooges Shorts

 

TRUMP UNVEILS HIS OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE PORTRAIT

 

Biden Plans His Own Funeral: Grave to Be Marked by 'The Eternal Cone'

 

New York Times "Best Seller" Even Though Only 17 Copies Were Sold

 

MEDICAL MYSTERY: FIVE YEARS AFTER PELOSI RIPPED UP TRUMP'S SPEECH, HER HANDS ARE STILL COVERED WITH PAPER CUTS

 

'WIZARD OF OZ' DIRECTOR'S CUT: DOROTHY MEETS FOUR CHARACTERS ON YELLOW BRICK ROAD: LION, TIN MAN, SCARECROW, AND MITCH

 

KING CHARLES STILL 'PISSED' THAT HIS SCENE WAS CUT FROM 'PULP FICTION'

Quentin Tarantino: Test audiences "weren't buying him" as a drug lord, so Ving Rhames replaced him.

Trump Gives Capitol A Makeover

 

TRUMP SAYS HE'S FOUND AN ORGANIZATION THAT CAN MAKE THE $37 TRILLION NATIONAL DEBT 'DISAPPEAR'

 

TRUMP DEMONSTRATES 'THE ART OF THE DEAL' TO BRING ZELENSKY TO NEGOTIATING TABLE

White House Correspondents' Association Plots Next Move After Trump Opens Up Press Conferences to New Media

 

TRUMP BERATES 'LOW ENERGY CHICKENS—THE WORST CHICKENS EVER'—ABOUT THEIR EGG PRODUCTIVITY

 

RFK, Jr. Bathes in Beef Tallow

 

PUTIN TAPPED TO BE THE NEXT JAMES BOND VILLAIN

 

LUNAR ROVER LEFT ON MOON IN 1972 IS COVERED WITH PARKING TICKETS

BROWNSVILLE, Texas -- A SpaceX lunar flyby released a photo taken last week showing that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

President Trump said that he is “very disappointed” that the Apollo astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Trump explained. 

"The United States of America will not be known throughout the galaxy as a parking scofflaw.”

Intercourse, Pennsylvania Modernizes Prim and Proper Image By Changing Name to F*ck, Pennsylvania