Mickey Mouse named "honorary Jew," to be circumcised in grand opening publicity stunt
NEVEH DEKALIM SETTLEMENT, Gaza - In a stunning announcement on the heels of the Gaza Strip evacuation, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon this morning told reporters that by 2011, a new Disney theme park will spring up on the land Israeli settlers were forced to leave. In an unscheduled press conference, Sharon unveiled an artist's rendering of the new park. He was joined by Walt Disney Company CEO Michael Eisner and none other than Mickey Mouse himself.
“Now that the settlers have been removed, we can reveal to you our real plans,” Sharon told reporters. “Gaza will be become ‘Disney Mid-East.’ Nothing can bring peace to our region better than Mickey Mouse,” he shouted. Turning to Eisner, Sharon said, “And this mensch will do for us what even the prophets were unable to do – establish a kingdom in the wasteland.”
Eisner said that Disney’s goal is to “make the Middle East the happiest place on earth.”
Reporters asked Sharon why the announcement was kept secret until the evacuation was complete. Sharon bristled, “Could Walt Disney have bought up half of central Florida so cheap if the land owners knew who was bankrolling the purchase? With that kind of business sense, I posthumously declare Walt an honorary Jew,” said Sharon. "That's the same thing Michael [Eisner] did here." Sharon refused to confirm rumors that Las Vegas casino tycoon Steve Wynn is planning a mega-casino on the West Bank to be called "Wynn Holy Land."
Some settlers were stunned by the announcement and say they believe that Gaza is part of the traditional Jewish homeland. Murray Schwartz, a farmer who moved from Orlando Florida to Gaza thirty years ago complained, “Again with the Mickey Mouse! That mouse drove me out of Florida, and now I’m forced to wander again!”
Other Israelis are concerned about the content of the new theme park. “I hear there will be a ride with a thousand little Arafat dolls singing, ‘It’s a smaller Israel after all,” said Minnie Pearlman as she noshed on a plate of holishke. Her husband Irving Mendelbaum also was worried because he had heard "they're going to have a ride designed to terrify people called 'Mohels of the Caribbean.' Feh! I liked the peace better when we were at war!"
Eisner said that to show "solidarity with the Jewish people," Mickey Mouse will be circumcised as part of the grand opening festivities. “One slip of the knife,” the famous rodent quipped, “and I’ll be a falsetto.”
