Alito is a man "who possesses the intellect, the integrity, and the rectum of someone who deserves a seat on the highest court in the land."WASHINGTON - Judge Samuel Alito arrived over one hour late for his Supreme Court confirmation hearings this morning, claiming he was abducted by aliens last night and forced to submit to over eight hours of rectal probing by spacemen determined to obtain his positions on abortion and executive power. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters at his morning briefing that the President was confident "the spacemen, like the American people, would be satisfied with the materials provided by Judge Alito," adding that he is a man "who possesses the intellect, the integrity, and the rectum of someone who deserves a seat on the highest court in the land."
Meanwhile, at the hearing, an irritated Senate Judiciary Chairman Specter demanded additional details from the nominee about his abduction, but Judge Alito demurred. "With all due respect, Mr. Chairman, there are a lot of alien abduction cases in the Federal courts, and I don't think it would be appropriate for me to comment at this time. People who bring litigation against creatures from distant planets or even other solar systems need to know that I will be a fair and impartial arbiter."
While Specter appeared to be satisfied with that answer, some Democrats were not. Senator Richard Durbin (D-Illinois) made a motion that the nominee submit to rectal probing from the committee, but Specter denied the motion. "We?ve been ripping this guy a new one for three days," he said. "I think he's had enough."
